In retrospect, I feel like I just have been running running running and running until I decided to settle down and have a family for the past 15 years. And even then, I didn't realize how much marriage meant that I slow down my life. And, now, I am faced with the wall, the wall that makes me feel like I see no point of running so hard for the past 15 years just so that I can be a stay at home pregnant wife. If I had to make sense out of it, I at least can speak English and know the culture enough to be able to communicate and understand my husband. But, even this, if our marriage were meant to be a divine appointment, it didn't have to involve my fast past running life for 15 years. I could have maintained GPA 1.9 in high school and still would have been able to communicate with my husband.
So, I asked myself. I couldn't help it. I, by nature, spend copious amount of time in my head thinking about the Lord knows what. Where am I gonna go from here? What happened to me? What about the painful toil that I put into in grad school and college?
To answer my questions, my husband once said that I should live a life with him as we start a family together. OK. I get that "starting a family together" part. But, I am not quiet sure what it means to live "a life together with him" part.
So, I have been googling phrases like, "stay at home mom", INTJ mom, etc. Google is my trustworthy friend who has answers for pretty much everything. At least, I found it to be TRUTH and SALT when in academia. But to my demise, it didn't take a second to figure out that the epic failed.
Then, I recently found blogs written by a few South Korean women who just got married to American men. Some were oddly silly, but others were very thought provoking. And, there was one that talked about how difficult it's been to be married to an American husband. Her article is primarily pessimistic and somewhat misguiding to many readers in South Korea who dream about an American prince charming to come and rescue them, though I did feel her pain of the challenges that she faced as a foreigner and a newlywed.
I was rather angry than felt sympathetic to her life full of tribulations. I can forgive a prostitute, but I can't forgive someone who pretends to know it all when she doesn't. The woman, therefore, committed a detrimental sin to me by giving an advice to young Korean single women about international marriage to an American man as if she got it all, hands down, about living a life in America in a year.
Burst with a passion to guide the readers to the correct path ( well, at least, I lived in the States for 15 years, not a year), I began writing my heart out. I should say that I am thankful that I lost the first draft as my computer decided to shut down without even warning me that it would. I took it as a divine sign that "IF YOU SEND THIS OUT TO KOREAN PUBLIC, PEOPLE WILL GET A HEART-ATTACK, OR ELSE THEY WILL TAKE YOU DOWN WITH WONDERFUL COMMENTS SO THAT YOU'LL GET A HEART-ATTACK ."
So, I began another draft . Only this time, I came down for about fifteen thousand level, so it didn't sound as offensive as my first draft did.
On my second draft, I offered some solutions as to what to expect from a marriage with an American guy, life in the U.S., etc. For whatever reason, it gave me sense of fulfillment that I haven't felt for the longest time.
But, the question remains for me. Where did that sense of fulfillment precisely come from? Is it the online interaction or is it my ability to offer a solution/tips to others?
